Death is not the end

Non ci stancheremo mai

Yesterday marked one year since I've been home from my mission. Today marks one year since I was released as a full-time missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

What a year it has been.

I've been thinking about so many things this weekend, and I don't think my heart understands any of it quite yet. In the past year I've had some incredible opportunites to continue to serve the Lord in other callings, first in the Young Women and then as Relief Society President in my BYU ward. I didn't want to leave the YW back in July and I don't want to leave my RS sisters now. The things I have learned and the love that I have felt are beyond anything I could have ever imagined for myself.

I più bei giorni che avrò mai

Actually, my life in general is unlike anything I could have ever imagined for myself. Here I am, a year home from my mission, and in all honesty, I don't feel any closer to knowing what I'm going to be doing this summer than I was last summer. This time last year my biggest concern was trying to handle the emotional trauma of going to the mall in jeans by myself. Now my thoughts have shifted (rather considerably) to wondering what I want to do with my life after I graduate next month.

Pace. Paz. Pax. Peace.

I miss Italy. I'll always miss Italy. A former companion was telling me that when people ask her what it feels like to be a returned missionary, she says that "coming home is like learning how to live with only half your heart, because that other half will always be in Italy." I had another companion tell me that her mission to her was like the waters of Mormon for the people of Alma: the place where she came to know the Lord. For me, Italy and my mission are fibers woven into the fabric of my life and existence. Some days I feel more Italian than Hawaiian. I love the people I met on my mission so much that I can hardly stand it. While I'm terrible at maintaining contact with people long-distance, those people are always still in my heart and I think about them often.

Hark, all ye nations - hear heaven's voice

I can't imagine what my life would be like if I hadn't served a mission. I never really intended to go, it just all sort of happened. It felt right. I feel like everything that I am and everything that I stand for was made clear to me and reinforced on my mission. Missions aren't for chumps. My mission was the hardest thing I've ever done, and part of that was because of the dedication and persistence required in the face of seeming failure. What do you give when you feel like you have nothing left? What are you willing to sacrifice? I had to ask myself these questions regularly, but I couldn't be happier with the person that it has made me. I'll always look to my mission as the point in my life when I learned how to be invincible. The Gospel of Jesus Christ did that to me.

Be not troubled

In mission lingo, when you finish your mission, they say you "die". I died a year ago. Yesterday as I was thinking about my "death", my dad called and told me that my Grampa Soh had passed away the night before. I cried, just as I did when I "died". But in neither instance were they tears of sadness; they were tears of conclusion. Death is not the end. Everyone has to be born and everyone has to die. How can I be sad that my grandfather is dead when I know that the Plan of Salvation is real? How can I be sad when I know that this is not the end, that we will be together again? Death is merely separation; it is not the end.

As I said before, I've been thinking about a lot of things this weekend. I'm constantly thinking about my future and what the heck I'm gonna do with my life, and as a consequence have been applying to all kinds of jobs and internships starting this summer. The day before yesterday, when I got my fifth "no" as a response to my application, I was feeling a little disheartened. But then yesterday at my Stake Conference, I realized that rejection is exactly what I've been asking for. I mean, can the Lord be any clearer than "no"? I should be happy that instead of being overwhelmed with options, the Lord is making it easy for me to pick the best choice - the one that is available. Since then I've been feeling totally fine about everything, which, considering how long I've been feeling the opposite of that, is a pretty big deal.

It all comes back to the beautiful months I spent as a set-apart, full-time missionary. The lessons that I learned as a missionary are constantly being mirrored in the experiences I have, and while each experience is unique, I have been able to draw from my mission experiences to comprehend the present. How could I have survived without that?

When upon life's billows you are tempest-tossed...

The Gospel of Jesus Christ is true. It's real. In all of my questions and self-doubt, the veracity of the gospel has never once been the topic of discussion in my brain. It is my constant and foundation, and my mission made that possible for me. It solidified my testimony and changed me for the better in a way that I will never fully understand, nor could I ever possibly try to explain. I love the gospel because it makes people better. It makes me better. The Atonement of Jesus Christ gives me the power and possibility to change myself, to not content myself with mediocrety, and to become more than I ever thought I could be. I pray that each of you is able to have similar experiences, for better or worse, so that you, too, may shed your mortal weaknesses and become the person you need to be. I always get frustrated when I hear people declare "This is who I am. I was just born this way." NO! NEVER be content to just "be who you are". Be who you WANT to be. MAKE yourself BECOME what you want. Placing the blame on your circumstances is hardly an excuse. Exercise your authority to act, and create yourself the way you want to become.

My mission means everything to me, and no one can ever take that experience away from me. The gospel is true. Families are forever. Death is not the end. I love you all, my dear brothers and sisters, very much.

In Jesus' name, Amen.